... I
am sure I have sciatic nerve issues, because it comes and goes based
upon activity (or lack thereof). Sitting for long periods is what
brings it on. At this moment, I have no pain at all -- I've been on the
move today. Or, should I say yesterday. I woke
up at 1:30 due to a nightmare, and the Lord has been so sweetly visiting
with me all night. I live in the best of times and the worst (and the
latter depends largely upon my mindset). I strongly sense God at work
in me and through me, and that makes life
on this lovely yet treacherous planet as a believer incredibly
exciting/exhilarating. And this isn't because I'm performing at all
well in my own eyes or enduring a tough season -- there is some deep
identity stuff He's tackling, and I have absolutely nothing
to do with it, and somehow, by miracle only He is (I trust) benefiting
others by it. Ha, the joke is on my accuser who is working overtime
breathing hot down my neck, pointing fingers at God and me, all the
while he's the Biggest Loser. I'm tickled by it,
really. I only begin to explore and understand, "For all things are for
your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more
people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. 16Therefore
we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17For
momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of
glory far
beyond all comparison,…" My days are not futile or without aim -- and
that way beyond what I can grasp. I am trusting Him for this, and in
ways I cannot frame up in words, because it is SO beyond me. Faith has
had to grow in my current circumstances, else
I wither/perish (spiritually speaking, and not over-dramatizing!!) He
knows that when He brings me to the end of my rope, there We commune
like honeymooning lovers. It's what I need (and want, not in the flesh,
of course, but in the center where my real life
is) -- it is the blessing in my singleness. Sometimes I feel, a widow
at this age, "how come, Lord, have I been chosen to live 44 years of my
life single -- to do it through all kinds of seasons from young girl to
single mom, to middle age and until (likely
death)?" And I whine hard, until I meet Him at the tail of the rope.
Then I get it again, and I hang on tight to the One I married at Calvary
and know (even in that place of every woman who longs to be desired,
pursued, physically held, covered, provided
for through an earthly man) I'm eternally blessed, inexplicably loved,
and so deeply I could die this moment in the overflow. Marriage may
come, it is the lesser goal, (no god to me) -- it's like thinking
getting out of debt opens a mystery door on happiness.
Both are good, but He, Himself is so superior to anyone or anything that
to crave something less for any time at all is just stupid. He frees
me to dream, and not out of romantic fantasy or dissatisfaction. He
dreams in me!!! And those are some REAL DREAMS,
one's He makes come true, whether here or on the other side. He makes
me okay again with that, and I detach for a little while in a very
healthy way from earthbound life. I can tell He's been with me -- it's
like smelling your husband's cologne all over you
after he's long since gone for the day -- He fills me with joy, which
turns into words ... and I hope He will now help me sleep...
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